How Do We Suffer? Let Me Count the Ways
We, as human beings, have become addicted to suffering. We love it so much that we even watch soap operas and talk about them as if they were our own experiences. It’s as if we don’t suffer enough on our own, so we live vicariously through someone else’s suffering. We become victims of our circumstances, self-conscious, and afraid of rejection. To protect ourselves from fear, we adopt various behaviors that ultimately cause us more suffering. It all boils down to “looking good and being right.”
We are so afraid to make mistakes and look foolish that we have built a whole culture around this notion. We’d rather be right than admit we are wrong, tell the truth, or appear as failures. This fear of making mistakes prevents us from experiencing true happiness. Instead of focusing on being kind, generous, or loving, we cling to our desire to be right, which robs us of joy.
Knowing Joy
To know joy, we must be able to change our perceptions at will, stop being self-conscious, manage our words, and be authentic. People who know joy have remarkable abilities and have mastered the art of being and becoming. They live in a state of being rather than doing, and they embody:
- Harmony
- Authenticity
- Acceptance
- Consciousness
- Community
These individuals experience moments of rapture and ecstasy and have learned to manage their self-defeating mechanisms. They live “at-choice” and in the moment, making better choices that foster loving relationships and joy.
Mechanisms of Suffering
What are some mechanisms we have adapted to maintain our addiction to suffering? José Stevens, Ph.D., in his book “The Seven Dragons,” identifies seven negative states of being:
- Arrogance
- Stubbornness
- Self-Deprecation
- Self-Destructiveness
- Martyrdom
- Greed
- Impatience
We all possess these dragons, but typically major in one and minor in another, creating a PhD in misery. Each dragon represents a fear we have:
- Arrogance is the fear of intimacy and vulnerability.
- Self-Deprecation represents the fear of being inadequately prepared for life.
- Self-Destruction stems from the fear of losing control.
- Impatience is the fear that time will run out.
- Martyrdom belongs to those who fear being trapped by circumstances outside their control.
- Greed faces the fear that there is not enough to go around.
- Stubbornness is frozen by the fear of authority and sudden change.
These dragons manifest through judgments, broken agreements, self-consciousness, and negative inner dialogue, creating a state of joylessness.
Breaking Out of the Suffering Comfort Zone
The suffering comfort zone is a space we create based on our beliefs about ourselves. We adopt attitudes and habitual behaviors to protect ourselves from fear, telling ourselves that we are those beliefs. Our self-talk or tapes are the first tools we use to support and maintain our comfort zone.
Examples of Negative Self-Talk:
- I can’t quit smoking.
- I can’t remember people’s names.
- I’ll never be wealthy.
- I’m not perfect.
- I don’t have much patience.
- I have a poor memory.
- I can’t get going in the morning.
- I’m too old to change.
- I can’t think of things to talk about with people.
What are your tapes? What do you say to yourself and believe? Take a moment to list them.
Examples of Blaming Others or Circumstances:
- It’s not my fault; I only work here.
- If it wasn’t for my parents…
- My boss stops me from achieving my goals.
- The government’s high taxes prevent me from getting ahead.
- I grew up in a poor neighborhood; I’ll never find my way out.
What are your tapes? What do you say to yourself and believe? Take a moment to list them.
Examples of Tapes About Others:
- Men are aggressive.
- They don’t pick up after themselves.
- They only think about one thing.
- Men are not romantic.
- Women are too emotional.
- They love to shop till they drop.
- They are indecisive.
- Women are not good at math.
- Teenagers are rebellious.
- Senior citizens are out of touch.
- Certain ethnic groups are stereotyped.
What are your tapes? What do you say to yourself and believe? Take a moment to list them.
Tapes About Your Spouse or Significant Relationship:
What are your tapes? What do you say to yourself and believe? Take a moment to list them.
Positive Tapes Leading to Negative Results:
Even positive tapes can sometimes lead to negative outcomes. For example, someone with the tape “I never get sick” might neglect self-care, leading to more frequent illnesses.
What positive tapes do you have that could lead to negative results? Take a moment to list them.
Impact of Self-Talk on Life
Our tapes affect our life, self-confidence, health, and success. Repeating the same behavior becomes habitual.
Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is a habit.” Suffering, therefore, has become a bad habit. We maintain it to avoid moving out of our comfort zone, supported by an internal dialogue that keeps us in check.
Breaking the Habit of Suffering
To break the cycle of suffering, we need to:
- Recognize our self-defeating tapes and replace them with empowering ones.
- Address our judgments and adopt a more accepting and compassionate perspective.
- Manage our negative emotions, such as anger and guilt, constructively.
- Confront and overcome our fears, particularly the fear of rejection.
Managing Judgments
Judgments are perceptions we have about how the world should operate. We often “should” on people, making them wrong and creating suffering for ourselves. Instead, we should accept and understand others’ perspectives, reducing disappointment and anger.
List at least one area where you “should” on others.
List at least one area where you “should” on yourself.
Changing Perceptions
Evaluate how you could change your perceptions about the items on your list. Instead of “shoulding,” consider accepting and understanding different viewpoints.
Negative Emotions: Anger and Guilt
These emotions result from our tapes and judgments. Instead of managing them, we often store them up, leading to stress and illness. Learning to express anger appropriately can help manage these emotions.
Where are you not managing your anger? How could you begin to express it in a mature manner?
Overcoming Fear
Fear, particularly the fear of rejection, underlies many of our behaviors. Moving out of the suffering comfort zone requires courage and awareness. By confronting our fears and adopting a more empowering mindset, we can break free from habitual suffering and embrace joy.
This handbook offers insights and exercises to help individuals recognize and overcome their suffering mechanisms, ultimately leading to a life of joy and fulfillment.