Understanding Fear and Its Impact
Fear is a powerful agent that often leads to self-sabotage. When we allow fear to dominate our thoughts and actions, we inadvertently bring about the very outcomes we dread. Here are some common fears and their typical self-sabotaging responses:
- Fear of Abandonment: Leads to abandoning others and oneself.
- Fear of Rejection: Results in self-rejection.
- Fear of Success: Prevents us from achieving success.
- Fear of Intimacy: Causes us to choose partners who are emotionally unavailable.
As Gerald Jampolsky suggests in Love is Letting Go of Fear, the world appears insane when viewed through the lens of a belief system rooted in fear. This belief system ties our painful past to a fearful future, compelling us to control and predict outcomes at any cost. Paradoxically, focusing on what we fear increases the likelihood of those fears manifesting, thus sabotaging our dreams.
The Paradox of Fear
The more we concentrate on our fears, the more energy we give to those fears, and the more likely they are to occur. This paradoxical nature of fear can be countered by confronting and resolving our fears, rather than letting them control us.
Overcoming Fear
Mantra for Dispelling Fear:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” — Frank Herbert, Dune
The key to mastering fear is to confront it directly, ensuring that we are in charge rather than letting fear control us. Until we face our fears, they will continue to fuel self-sabotage.
Identifying and Addressing Self-Sabotage Strategies
Self-sabotage often stems from an underlying sense of not deserving success or happiness. Understanding these strategies can help us overcome them:
- Resignation:
- Belief: “I don’t deserve it, so I won’t even try.”
- Behavior: Not pursuing goals to avoid potential disappointment.
- Throwing It Away:
- Belief: “I don’t deserve it, so I’ll waste any success I achieve.”
- Behavior: Self-destructive actions that nullify accomplishments.
- Settling:
- Belief: “I’m not good enough, so I’ll settle for less.”
- Behavior: Not putting in effort because success seems unattainable.
- Denial:
- Belief: “If I ignore the problem, it will go away.”
- Behavior: Avoiding issues instead of addressing them.
- The Fatal Flaw:
- Belief: “A single flaw undermines all my efforts.”
- Behavior: Allowing perfectionism, addiction, anger, or guilt to sabotage success.
These strategies are fueled by a low sense of self-deserving. By becoming aware of our Deserve Quotient, we can begin to change these unconscious behaviors.
Building Courage and Self-Deserving
Eleanor Roosevelt famously said:
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face… You must do the thing you think you cannot.”
To achieve more in life, we must confront our fears and believe in our right to deserve the best. This includes:
- More income
- More loving relationships
- More safety and security
- More spiritual growth
- More health and vitality
The Trying
Many of us have tried to quit smoking, drinking, overeating, or ending destructive relationships. Understanding what we deserve involves believing in our fundamental right to the best outcomes. We get what we believe we deserve:
- Negative Expectations: Lead to self-sabotage and failure.
- Positive Expectations: Facilitate success and achievement.
As Yoda wisely pointed out to Luke Skywalker:
“I don’t believe it,” said Luke Skywalker. “That is why you fail,” said Yoda. — The Empire Strikes Back
Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence
- Self-Esteem: Comes from knowing that we are lovable.
- Self-Confidence: Comes from the knowledge that we can do something.
Self-confidence is built through actions, while self-esteem is built through acceptance and recognition. Rate yourself from one to ten on both self-esteem and self-confidence. Giving yourself permission to get what you deserve is crucial for both.
Visualization and Affirmations
Visualize your goals and make a picture journal to reinforce your positive beliefs. As Thornton Wilder said:
“We either live and die by chance, or we live and die by a plan.”
Choose to live by a plan. Through repetition of affirmations and visualizations, you can reprogram yourself for a more abundant life.
The Story of Our Lives and Our Comfort Zones
The story we tell ourselves defines our comfort zone. Our comfort zone is made up of programmed beliefs and attitudes. Attitudes are driven by our feelings, and every time we react to our environment, we make a choice of how to act. When this choice becomes a habit, it forms our “habitude.”
Attitudes: Constructive or Destructive?
Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching? They can either steal value from us or enrich our lives. Charles Swindoll emphasized the importance of attitude:
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company…a church…a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitudes.”
The Story of the Little Boy
Once, a little boy went to school. He was quite a little boy. And it was quite a big school. But when the little boy found out that he could go to his room, by walking right in from the door outside, He was happy – and the school didn’t seem so big anymore.
One morning, when the little boy had been in school a while, the teacher said: “Today we’re going to make a picture.” “Good” thought the little boy. He liked to make pictures. He could make all kinds – lions and tigers, chickens and cows, trains and boats. And he took out his box of crayons and began to draw.
And then the teacher said, “Wait!” It is not time to begin. And she waited till everyone was ready. “Now”, said the teacher, “Were going to make flowers. “Good”, thought the little boy, and he began to make beautiful ones with his pink and orange and blue crayons.
But the teacher said, “Wait!” “And I will show you how.” And the teacher made a flower. And it was red and had a green stem. “There said the teacher. “Now you may begin.” The little boy looked at the teacher’s flower and then he looked at his own flower. But he liked his flower better than the teachers, but he did not say this. He just turned his paper over and drew a flower like the teachers. It was red with a green stem.
One day when the little boy had opened the door from the outside all by himself, the teacher said, “Today we are going to make something with clay.” “Good”, thought the little boy. He liked clay.
But the teacher said “Wait!” “It’s not time to begin.” And she waited till everyone looked ready. “Now”, said the teacher. “We are going to make a dish.” “Good”, thought the little boy, he liked to make dishes, and he began to make some that were all shapes and sizes. But the teacher said, “Wait!” “And I will show you how.” And she showed everyone how to make a deep dish. “There” said the teacher. “Now you may begin.” The little boy looked at the teacher’s dish and then he looked at his own. He liked his dish better than the teacher’s, but he did not say this. He just rolled his clay up into a ball again and made a dish like the teacher’s. It was a deep dish.
Pretty soon the little boy learned to wait and watch and to make things just like the teacher. And pretty soon he did not make things of his own anymore. Then it happened that the little boy and his family moved to another city.
And the little boy had to go to another school. This school was even larger than the other one. And there were no doors from the outside into his room. He had to go up big steps and walk down a long hall to get to his room. And the very first day he was there the teacher said. “Today we are going to make a picture.” “Good”, thought the little boy and he waited for the teacher to tell him what to do, but the teacher didn’t say anything, she just walked around the room. And when she came to the little boy, she said, “Don’t you like to make pictures?” “Yes said the little boy, “what are we going to make?’ “I don’t know until you make it”, said the teacher. “How shall I make it?” Said the little boy. “Why anyway you like”, the teacher said: “If everyone made the same picture, and used the same colors, how would I know who made what and which was which?” “I don’t know said the little boy”, and he began to make a red flower with a green stem.
A story like “The Little Boy” can illustrate how attitudes are formed and the impact they have on our lives. Our attitudes can be constructive or destructive, and it’s up to us to choose which path to follow.
Overcoming Negative Attitudes
Negative attitudes often develop from a poor self-image, formed through emotional hurts, humiliations, and fault-finding. To change this, we need to take responsibility for our own lives and adopt a positive attitude.
The Processionary Caterpillar
Jean-Henri Fabre’s study of the processionary caterpillar illustrates how creatures, including humans, can become stuck in habitual behavior. Breaking free from these habits requires creative thinking and the courage to step out of our comfort zones.
The Joy of Being (J.O.B.)
Choosing joy over misery is a conscious decision. Aristotle said:
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
By choosing positive habits and attitudes, we can enrich our lives and achieve excellence.
Conclusion
Overcoming fear and self-sabotage requires confronting our fears, understanding our self-sabotage strategies, and building a strong sense of self-deserving. By believing in our right to the best outcomes and choosing positive attitudes, we can achieve our goals and live a more fulfilling life.